Love & Friendship
20. Summa Theologiae II-II, Q.27, A.1: Loving, Not Being Loved, Is the Act of Friendship
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[0:00] so you have to understand in ethics the first things you have to understand really are what is good and what is better, and most people don't understand them. Okay. And so we'll teach a little bit how to understand what is good, what is better, right? Okay.

[0:27] God our enlightenment, guardian angels, strengthen the lights of our minds, order and illumine our images and arouse us to consider more correctly. Saint Thomas Aquinas Angelic Doctor, pray for us, and help us to understand the truth. Name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

[0:50] Okay, now in this last reading, we're going to be doing on friendship. Aristotle has more things to say, but the last we'll be doing here. He's going to be comparing loving and being loved, and both of them, of course, are essential to friendship because friendship is mutual love, right? So you can't have friendship without loving and being loved, right? But Aristotle is going to raise a question: Does friendship consist equally in loving and being loved, or does friendship consist more in one than the other, right?

[1:29] At the same time, he'll be reflecting on his experience: What do people seek more? Of course, he's going to be pointing out that people seek more to be loved than to love, right? He's going to say some interesting things about this attractiveness of being loved, right? But then he'll say that friendship consists more in loving than in being loved, huh? Okay. And he's very brief as far as showing that.

[2:10] In fact, he doesn't even give the reason. It's so obvious. But Thomas Aquinas in his commentary will give the reason, huh? Okay. Aristotle just gives a sign of the truth of what he's saying. Okay. So it's going to be a comparison then of loving and being loved, and seeing in which of these does hap does friendship consist chiefly. Doesn't consist equally in them, right?

[2:44] And he's going to be pointing out how people are inclined to seek more to be loved than to love. The one reason for that, he says, many seem through love of honor to wish to be loved more than to what love. Now, what is honor?

[3:12] It's very close to yeah. Honor involves a reverence shown to somebody, right? Because there's something excellent in them, something excelling in them, right? Okay.

[3:27] So, is there a connection to between wanting to be loved and wanting to be honored? Is there a likeness between the two? Yeah. And to be loved would seem to be a sign of there's something good in me, right? And so, just as I seek honor as a confirmation of the good or the excellence that is in me, right? So also I seek to be loved by others as a confirmation of the good that is in me.

[4:02] That's that one lousy popular song, you know, you're nobody until somebody loves you. But no, the thought is there, right? Huh? You think you're a nobody, right? Or you feel like a nobody until someone loves you, right? Okay. So Aristotle is saying, in a sense, that to be loved is in a way to be what honor, right? Okay. They're not exactly the same thing, but there's a certain closeness to the two, huh?

[4:39] Okay. And so you could say, vice versa, that to love someone is in a way to what honor them, right? Okay. Of course, you know, in the liturgy, there's a connection between loving God in what honoring or praising him. They're very closely related, huh? In the Psalms and liturgy in general, right? Okay.

[5:09] So he begins with that observation, which is a very subtle one. Whence the many are lovers of flattery? Now, what is flattery? Well, strictly speaking, flattery is is undeserved praise, right? Being praised more than. You deserve, or more than what you did deserve, right? Okay. And we talked about that a bit when we talked earlier in the readings, friendly topics, there, right? And how when you go to somebody's house for dinner or something, we praise the meal, even though they might have cooked the meal a little bit too much, or they might have put a little bit too much salt, pepper, or some other thing here or there, right?

[6:02] But want to be invited again, or want to get on, you flatter them, right? What a wonderful meal this was, okay. So, an awful lot of flattery going on in the world, huh? Okay? and makes life more pleasant, right? But we saw also how Brutus was saying to Cassius, huh? That a true friend would not what flatter, yeah, because if you flatter me, then I don't correct my faults, and I don't what

[6:41] perfect whatever it is I'm doing, right? I kind of rest in what I've done, huh? And so flattery, in that sense, is not coming for my good, right?

[6:59] Now, in that sense, flattery, as well as envy, is opposed to true friendship. Now, of course, envy is much more opposed to true friendship because envy seems to be contrary to what's so essential to friendship that I wish well to you, right? And therefore, I should rejoice in the good that happens to you, rejoice in your success in something, right? And so, if I'm sad, right, because I see your good fortune as kind of reflecting on my lack of good fortune, or your success reflecting. and being a foil for my lack of success, right?

[7:42] Then I seem to have sadness over the good that has happened to you, and how is that compatible with wishing well to you? I should rejoice in it, huh? Okay.

[7:55] Now flattery seems to be more in harmony with friendship because I flatter people to some extent because I want to please them, right? That seems to be something that a friend wants to do is to please his friend, right? But if I'm praising you more than you deserve, then what?

[8:18] Am I really after your good? So we have, you know, Christians. We have something called fraternal correction. Thomas has, I think, a section on that in the Summa, or you have a disputed question, I think, on fraternal correction. right, and what your obligations are, huh?

[8:43] So that's what true friendship would involve, right? Not flattery, huh? For the flatterer is a friend excelled, right? Or pretends to be such, right? And he pretends to love more than to be what loved, right, huh? That's in the appearance, huh?

[9:10] And then in the third paragraph, he makes this point that we already have alluded to: for to be loved seems close to being honored, which the many what desire, right?

[9:36] Okay. But coming back now to the first paragraph, does that agree with your experience, huh? That the many, whatever the reason for this, does it

[9:50] agree with your experience that the many wish more to be loved than to love? I only know one person does. Well, sometimes I point to the the famous prayer of Saint Francis, huh? And sometimes even sing it in a in a vocal version in church, huh? But among the things that Saint Francis prays for, that he might seek more to what? Love than to be loved. Yeah, more to love than to be loved, right?

[10:28] Now Saint Francis of course is a saint, right? So if this saint has to pray or feels it important, huh? One of his most famous prayers. To ask God, right, that He might more love, or might more seek to love, right, than to be loved. What does that say for the rest of us? He's more righteous.

[10:59] Okay. Saint Augustine says this too in his confessions. Oh, he talks about how he desired more to be loved than to love. Yeah, yeah, that's a good, very good one, Witness. Thank you. Now, in the next two paragraphs, right, first I was going to say there's a somewhat a difference between being loved, though, and being honored, right? He spoke of their likeness, and they said to be loved in a way is to be honored, right?

[11:32] Okay. But he points out a little difference between the two, and that is that we seek to be loved for its own sake, even if nothing else were to come from it, right? Okay. While we seek more to be honored, to confirm our incertitude, right, about our own what? Excellence, right? Okay. So I was always running up to Monsignor Dion with my latest thinking, you know, and see if he'd agree with me, you know, huh?

[12:08] Not because I was seeking honor for him, but so if he said that was good, at least what I said, that would confirm me that I was on the right track, right? If he said no, then I usually found the second thought that it wasn't as good as I thought it was, huh? Okay.

[12:29] However, they do not seem to desire honor for itself, but by accident, by happening, huh? For the many rejoice being honored by those in power on account of hope, on account of the hope they have of receiving something from them, right? So the student might rejoice, the professor is praising his work, because he has hope now of getting a good grade, right? Okay.

[13:01] For they think to obtain from them what they need, so they rejoice in honor as a sign of undergoing good things, the good things they're going to undergo and get.

[13:16] But these desiring honor from the good and the knowing desire their own opinion about themselves to be confirmed, right? I thought it's pretty good, but I guess, you don't.

[13:31] They rejoice that they are good, right? Believing in the judgment of those saying so, right? So we commonly say, and to some extent I think we believe it, that we're not a good judge of ourselves and how good what we are saying or doing is, right? But when someone who is good at those things, right, says, "Hey, that was pretty good what you did," then we what?

[13:56] Like that praise, right? Because it confirms our opinion that this was the right thing to do, or it was good what we're doing, right?

[14:06] But it's better to be loved because they rejoice in being loved by what? Itself. This is a common thing in Aristotle that the through itself is more so than the thing that is through happening or by happening, right? Just like he's talking about the three kinds of friendship, and he said that the highest kind of friendship, I love you, kath' hauto per se, through yourself, for yourself.

[14:35] Well, in the useful friendship, especially, but also in the friendship of pleasure, I am loving you for what I can get from you. See, just kind of loving you by happening, right? Because you happen to be useful to me, that's why I love you. Okay. Well, here he's using that same kind of distinction by saying that although these two are very much alike, right? So much so that you could say that to be loved is in a way to be honored, right?

[15:03] Nevertheless, he can say that it's a better thing to be loved than to be honored, huh? Because to be honored is sought for the sake of something else, right?

[15:18] For what you can get out of the one who honors you, right? Or what you could expect to get out of him, or because of the confirmation of your opinion, right? For the fact that you're honored. but to be loved is something that you what? Want for its own sake, right?

[15:38] Why do grandparents want to be loved by the cookies? But why do grandparents want to be loved? right? See, it's kind of for its own sake, right? Okay, they rejoice in it for its own sake. Not as a confirmation of something good in the grandparents, but we see that it's good to be loved by the grandchildren. Okay.

[16:06] So he draws a conclusion then, right? Whence it would seem to be better to be loved, right, than to be honored, right? Being desirable for its own sake. And friendship, which consists in loving and being loved, not in honor as such, right, is therefore is also desirable to itself. From the very bottom of the page.

[16:34] Now, in the last paragraph of page eleven, Aristotle is going to give a sign. Regarding this more important question, does friendship consist more in loving or in being loved?

[16:55] And we don't know why, but he doesn't give the reason. He's going to conclude, of course, that friendship consists more in loving than in being loved. But he passes over the reason as being obvious, Thomas says. But for us, still, it's, of course Thomas gives the reason, huh? Okay. And the second thing Aristotle does then is to give a what? A sign of the truth of what he's saying, right?

[17:28] Well, before we look at his sign, huh? What would be the reason for saying that friendship consists more in loving than in being loved, huh? There is one reason being that perhaps love can be divided into love of friendship and love of belonging If you take the highest kind of love, right, this love wishing well, right, is it more belong to friendship for me to wish well to my friend, right, or to have my friend wish well to me?

[18:23] Because it involves both, right? Friendship is mutual love, right, and therefore there must be being loved as well as loving, right? But why would Aristotle? What would be the reason that Aristotle would take as being so obvious, and in the context of this is the eighth book now, the Ethics right? In the context of what has gone before and so on, that obviously friendship consists more in loving than in being loved.

[18:50] Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. It's an act. Yeah, yeah. It's an act. Yeah. See, my loving you is an act of friendship, isn't it? Is my being loved an act of? No. I am said to be loved because of an act in you, right? But that act in you is loving me. You see, being loved is not really an act of friendship, is it? Okay. Now, make a comparison to something that we said before.

[19:25] We said how friendship is either an effect of virtue or it's kind of virtue itself, right? And if you look at it as being a kind of virtue, it resembles most of all the virtue of justice. Okay. And as you know, justice involves what, like paying my debts and so on, right? Well, if someone asked you, does justice consist in paying what you owe, or having what is owed you paid you, or does it consist in both?

[20:01] What would you say? Both. Is both involved in justice, right? Because if I'm paying you what I owe you, and others are paying me what they owe me, right, then you are being paid what you are owed, and I'm being paid what I owe, right? But which is more an act of justice? Which do you think would be as a just man? Because people are paying me what they owe me.

[20:30] No, that's not really an act of justice at all in me, is it? It may be said of me because of an act of justice in somebody else. It's not an act of justice in me at all, is it? I'm just because people pay me what they owe me? No. I'm just because I pay to others, right? I give to others what is their due, right? Do you see?

[20:56] The other really isn't an act, is it? So notice my loving you, and by that love of wishing well, right? My loving you is a real perfection of me as a friend, isn't it?

[21:13] What did what do you say? Greater love than this hath no man than to be loved by his friends. No, no, but it's a real perfection of me to to be loving you, right? Okay. By the right kind of love, huh? Loving you as myself. But is my being loved? Is that really a perfection of me? At most, it's a sign of perfection in me, maybe something good in me, right?

[21:46] Ah. I haven't falsely presented myself, right? It could be a sign of something good in me, right? But by loving you is actually a perfection of me, right? By loving you by the by the love of wishing well. Do you see that? So if the one is a real perfection of the lover of the friend, and the other is at best only a sign of the perfection of of that lover, obviously it consists more in loving than in what being loved, right?

[22:24] But again, the fact that, as as we said earlier, that men, most men, let's say, seek more to be loved than to love, right, is a sign of the defect in our what friendships, right? Okay. And that you know Saint Francis would have that in the famous prayer as a sign that this is something to to pray, right? Okay. Of course, it's kind of funny because obviously, as Augustine says, and Thomas following him, you know, nothing moves us so much to love someone else as an experience of their love for us, and especially an unselfish love, right?

[23:03] So the more unselfishly you love others, the more they're going to be apt to love you in return. So what you're not seeking so much, you're getting more of, right? Than the person who who seeks only to be loved and doesn't really love, but I love wishing well anyway. Others, huh? Do you see? You can see Aristotle kind of passes it over because it should be clear to a man who spent six or seven books on the the virtues, right?

[23:35] Okay. That to love is an act of friendship. To be loved is not an act of friendship at all. It's something. It's what we call in logic an extrinsic denomination, right? I am said to be loved because of an act of loving you for me. You see. But I'm loving you by an act of love that's perfecting my will in me. Even though love of wishing well, right?

[24:06] Do you see? Clear? Yes. Okay. Now Aristotle passes over the obvious reason. Thomas says, and he gives a sign. Now the sign is taken from the mother. Why from the mother rather than from the father?

[24:33] That's obvious, right? The mother is known for having perfection of what? Of love, right? Okay. However, it seems to be more in loving than in being loved, huh? A sign is that mothers who are especially given to the excellence of love rejoice in what? In loving. Now he's taking a very example here because I suppose in Greece there wasn't Similac and all these artificial milks that we have nowadays, right?

[25:07] So if a mother didn't have enough milk in her breast for her baby, that baby could be in real what? Trouble, right? What these mothers would do would give it to another woman, right? To breastfeed, and that would what? Be for the good of the baby, right? Otherwise, it'd be really dangerous, huh? Now if the baby feeds at the other woman, that baby's going to what? Be attached to the other woman.

[25:40] Because of this intimacy, right? So that she's going to, the baby's going to love that other woman, or express more warmth than for its own, his own mother, right? Okay. Why then does the mother give it to the other woman? Because she seeks more to love, than to be loved, right? She seeks more the good of the what? The baby, right? Okay. It's a beautiful example that he has there.

[26:10] A sign is that mothers rejoice in loving, for some give theirs to be nourished, right? And they love knowing, but do not seek to be loved in return, if both are not possible. It might be given to the, the farm woman out there, you know, on the outskirts of town, right? Okay. But it seems to be enough for them if they see the babies and so on doing well, right?

[26:37] And they love nevertheless the babies, even if the latter impart nothing that befits a mother through what? Ignorance, right? Okay. Now you can take other examples of that, you know, like sometimes, in these calamities, you might see a mother giving up her child, right? Because the country is collapsing or the city is collapsing, right? And so on, like in Vietnam at the end of the war and so on.

[27:07] And she gives that child, in a sense, to be adopted by somebody else, right? Now, if that child is adopted by someone else, and doesn't really know its its natural mother, it's going to give whatever love it has to that adopting parents, right? So, one, they're going to be loved more than the the natural mother, right? So why does the natural mother give up the baby in those circumstances? Yeah, so she she loves more.

[27:43] She seeks more to love the baby, and she seek as a sign of which is that she's seeking more the good of the baby, right? And she's seeking to be loved herself, right? Okay.

[27:57] Sometimes these very young girls, you know, get into trouble and so on in high school and so on, huh? And they don't have an abortion, but they do have the baby, right? But sometimes, um, they, all things considered, they put the baby up for adoption, right? Because they realize they, you know, young teenage girl with a good-for-nothing father there can't really provide for that baby very well, right?

[28:26] Huh? And someone else can give them the nourishment, education, all the rest, right? Huh? So if they do this, they are what seeking more the good of the baby than to be loved by the baby, right? Okay. So this is the kind of example that Aristotle is taking here, right? As a sign that those who are more perfect at loving, namely the mother, who's supposed to be the most perfect of human beings at loving, they seek more to love than to be loved, right?

[29:00] It's interesting Okay.